Newest Member of the Family
Bandit - 7 weeks old
snake in the grass....
Actually... Snake 0 / A/C Unit 1... no rematch scheduled.
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Children | Insurance Claim | The Man Song | The Clone | Favorite Quotes
From Readers Digest
Aunt Karen
A teacher gave her class of 11 year olds an assignment: Get their parent to tell them
a story with a moral at the end of it. The next day the kids came back and one by one
began to tell their stories.
Ashley said, "My father's a farmer and we have a lot of egg laying hens. One time we
were taking our eggs to market in a basket on the front seat of the car when we hit a
big bump in the road and all the eggs went flying and broke and made a mess." What's
the moral of the story?" asked the teacher. Don't put all your eggs in one basket!" Very
good," said the teacher.
Next little Sarah raised her hand and said, "Our family are farmers too. But we raise
chickens for the meat market. One day we had a dozen eggs, but when they hatched
we only got ten live chicks, and the moral to this story is, 'Don't count your chickens
before they're hatched'. " That was a fine story Sarah.
Michael, do you have a story to share?" Yes. My daddy told me this story about my
Aunt Karen. Aunt Karen was a flight engineer on a plane in the Gulf War and her plane
got hit. She had to bail out over enemy territory and all she had was a bottle of whisky,
a machine gun and a machete. She drank the whiskey on the way down so it wouldn't
break and then she landed right in the middle of 100 enemy troops. She killed seventy
of them with the machine gun until she ran out of bullets. Then she killed twenty more
with the machete until the blade broke. And then she killed the last ten with her bare
hands." Good heavens," said the horrified teacher, "what kind of moral did your daddy
tell you from that horrible story? 'Stay away from Aunt Karen when she's been drinking.'
From Ann Landers
Musings of a Good Father on a Bad Day
There's nothing sadder than the childless couple. It breaks your heart to see them stretched
out, relaxing around swimming pools in Florida and California, suntanned and miserable on
the decks of boats, trotting off to enjoy Europe like fools -- with money to spend, time to
enjoy themselves and nothing to worry about.
Childless couples become so selfish and wrapped up in their own concerns that you feel sorry
for them. They don't fight over the kids' discipline. They miss the fun of doing without for the
child's sake. It's a pathetic sight.
Everyone should have children. No one should be allowed to escape the wonderful experiences
attached to each stage in the development of the young. The happy memories of those early
years -- saturated mattresses, waiting for sitters who don't show up, midnight asthma attacks,
rushing to the emergency room of the hospital to get the kid's head stitched up.
Then comes the payoff --when the child grows from a little acorn into a real nut. What can equal
the warm smile of a small lad with the sun glittering on $1,500 worth of braces -- ruined by peanut
brittle -- or the frolicking, carefree voices of 20 hysterical savages running amok at a birthday party?
How sad not to have children to brighten your cocktail parties -- massaging potato chips into the
rug and wrestling with guests for the olives in their martinis. How empty is the home without
challenging problems that make for a well-rounded life -- and an early breakdown; the end-of-day
report from Mother, related like strategically placed blows to the temple; the tender, thoughtful
discussions when the report card reveals that your senior son is a moron.
Children are worth every moment of anxiety, every sacrifice. You know it the first time you take your
son hunting. He didn't mean to shoot you in the leg. Remember how he cried? How sorry he was? So
disappointed you weren't a deer. Those are the memories a man treasures.
Think back to that night of romantic adventure, when your budding, beautiful daughter eloped with the
village idiot. What childless couple ever shares in such a wonderful growing experience? Could a woman
without children equal the strength and heroism of your wife when she tried to fling herself out of the
bedroom window? Only a father could have the courage to stand by -- ready to jump after her.
The childless couple lives in a vacuum. They try to fill their lonely lives with dinner dates, theater, golf,
tennis, swimming, civic affairs and trips all over the world. The emptiness of life without children is
indescribable.
Insurance Claim
Donald Smirthwaite, adjustor
Standish Insurance Company, Inc.
473 Ogallala Ave
Sioux City, IA 51101
Re: Claim no. 54784
(More detailed explanation)
Dear Mr. Smirthwaite:
I am writing in response to your request for additional information. In block number three
of the accident reporting form, I put, quote ... poor planning ... unquote, as the cause of
my accident. You said in your letter that I should explain more fully and so I trust that the
following details will be sufficient.
I am a bricklayer by trade. On the day of the accident, I was working alone on the roof of
a new six-story building. When I completed my work, I discovered that I had about 500
pounds of brick left over. Rather than carry all of the bricks down six flights of stairs a few
at a time, I decided to lower them in an empty barrel someone had left behind, using a
pulley which was conveniently attached to a projecting beam on the side of the building
at the sixth floor.
First, I procured a stout rope twice as long as the height of the building at the sixth floor
and threaded it through the pulley. Then I rigged a sling for the barrel, attached it to the
rope, and went down and secured the rope at ground level to a small tree, with a slip knot.
I then went back to the roof, swung the barrel out and carefully loaded the bricks into it.
They all went in nicely. Then, quite pleased, I went back to the ground and pulled the slip
knot loose, holding the rope tightly to ensure the slow descent of the 500 pounds of bricks.
The next sequence of events occurred in much less time than it takes to relate them.
You will note, in block number eleven of the accident reporting form, that I weigh 145
pounds. Thus I was unsuccessful in slowly lowering the barrel of bricks. As soon as the rope
was untied, I was propelled upward at an astonishing velocity. Dazed at being jerked off the
ground so suddenly, I momentarily lost my presence of mind and forgot to let go of the rope.
I proceeded at a rapid rate up the side of the building.
In the vicinity of the third floor, I collided with the descending barrel, which explains the
fractured skull and broken collarbone.
Slowed only briefly, I continued my rapid ascent, stopping only when the fingers of my right
hand entered the pulley, explaining the contusions and abrasions of the fingers. Fortunately,
by this time I regained my presence of mind and was able to hold tightly to the rope despite
the pain of my injuries, which you can imagine.
At precisely that moment, however, the barrel of bricks hit the ground. Did I mention that it
was an old wooden barrel? Anyway, the bottom burst, spilling all the bricks. Devoid of the
bricks, of course the barrel became considerably lighter. I refer you again to my weight in
block eleven, 145 pounds. As you may imagine, I began a very rapid descent down the side
of the building.
Again, in the vicinity of the third floor, I met the now empty barrel coming up. This accounts
for the multiple contusions and the lacerations to my legs and lower body.
The encounter with the barrel slowed my fall barely enough to lessen my injuries when I fell
into the pile of bricks, resulting, fortunately, in only three cracked vertebrae and badly
sprained ankles.
I am sorry to report, however, that, as I lay there on the bricks, in agony, unable to stand and
watching the empty barrel six stories above me, I'm afraid I again lost my presence of mind
and let go of the rope. Which explains the internal injuries, broken ribs and upper body
lacerations.
I hope this explanation will suffice for your office. Have a nice day!
Yours sincerely,
Bjorn Luzer
The Man Song - by Shawn Morey
mp3 recording
Ladies and gentlemen: The Man Song.
He's the man
He's the man
I don't take no crap from anybody else but you
I wear the pants around here when I finish with your laundry
'Cause I'm a guy you don't wanna fight
When I say jump you say yeah right
I'm the man of this house until you get home
He's the man
He's the man
What I say goes around here right out the window
And I don't wanna hear a lot of whining so I'll shut up
The sooner you learn who's boss around here
The sooner you can give me my orders dear
'Cause I'm head honcho around here but it's all in my head
He's the man
He's the man
And I can have sex any time that you want
'Cause I'm a man who has needs but they're not that important
And don't expect any flowers from me
'Cause if I'm not mistaken you prefer jewelry
I'm the king of my castle when you're not around
He's the man
He's the man
And I'll drink and watch sports whenever I wanna get in trouble
And I'll come home when I'm good and ready to sleep on the couch
'Cause a man's gotta do what a man's gotta do
And I'm gonna do what you tell me to
Because I'm top dog around here but I've been neutered
He's the man
He's the man
You the man
The Clone
A scientist was successful in cloning himself.
He was asked to speak at a national convention of cloning scientists. The
meeting room was located on the 45th floor of a New York skyscraper.
The scientist arrived with his clone and proceeded to the podium. The clone
sat at the end of the head table. The scientist began the speech intending
a tribute to the advances in the field of modern biology.
"My fellow scientists," he began. But before he could utter another word,
the clone sprang to his feet and shouted out, "he's an ASSHOLE!". The crowd
began to murmur as the scientist commanded the clone to "sit down and
shut-up!". Apologizing for the interruption, the scientist began again, "My
fellow scientists,". Again the clone sprang to his feet and yelled, "this
dumb ASS couldn't produce a copy on a Xerox. He's a fraudulent
SON-OF-A-BITCH!".
Incensed, the scientist rushed to the clone, grabbed him, and threw him out
of the window.
The crowd gasped and security rushed into the room. A short while later New
York's finest arrived and were explained the events that had transpired.
The police chief said to the scientist, "We are going to have to arrest
you." The scientist replied, "For what? I have committed no crime. What
fell from the window was a clone, not a person.". The attending scientists
nodded in agreement. "Well," retorted the police chief, "we can not let
this heinous act go unchallenged.".
The police chief thought for a moment and ordered the scientist held for
"Making an obscene clone fall..."
Some of my favorite quotes:
- I want to die in my sleep peacefully, like my grandfather. Not screaming in terror, like his passengers.
- That reminds me of what my Daddy said right before he died... "Don't son, that gun is loaded!"
- Seems like an ok job though, if you don't mind burning in hell
- Look Dad! It's a hot dog. ( Katie - potty training )
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